My Open Diary

I had an anxiety attack today.  But you wouldn't be able to tell because of my happy-go-lucky smile in this selfie!  This photo was taken earlier when I felt as though I had a lovely start to my day: I got to take a walk and drink a coffee with my mama, the weather was sunny and warm, and I felt the fuel in my heart after reading some awesome Bible scriptures.  My spirit was light and I was walking to a rhythm of contentment. When you're in the peak of an anxiety attack, it feels almost impossible to maintain self control.  This looks different for everyone, but usually it falls in some category of impulsive behavior derived from an explosion of emotions.  You may say ugly things, hyperventilate, shake back and forth aggressively, cry hysterically, and sometimes feel the tug to be physical.  These behaviors come and go; they are very brief.  Like any untamed situation, it has a peak then it quickly passes. When it passes, you are left feeling q...

I don't know who needs to hear this but God wants you to keep pushing. Keep pushing. Keep pushing. God is telling you to "keep pushing, son.  Keep pushing, daughter.  I am with you." Emotions are powerful, important, and justified.  While we are entitled to feel our emotions, we will not accept defeat.  Our emotions can make us feel defeated, but we're not going to allow defeat to take the victory. Something may have been working out, but now it's not.  If that's the case, then know that God has something better.  He always does. "Why me?  Why is this happening to us?  Why isn't this working out?" Combat those feelings with faith, friend.  This is urgent.  These are not empty words.  I'm not speaking to a specific issue because you are already filling in the blank.  Combat those feelings with faith-you know what it is.  Faith should always go before our feelings. It's a struggle right now.  But I have conf...

Anxiety is very persuasive.  It started with a low grade fever.  "99.5," the thermometer read.  Before I knew it, my body was overcome with chills with an indescribable sense of exhaustion.  Fear was rooted. Another day passes and I'm coughing up phlegm that is rudely accompanied with tightness in my chest, neck, and back.  "It's probably just allergies," I solemnly convinced myself.  Fear was sprouting. After going back and forth with these suspicious symptoms, I eventually decided to call my doctor.  After twenty minutes of assessing my symptoms with acknowledgment of my asthma history, he ordered me a test to take at the hospital.  Waiting for those test results revealed not only my lack of mental stability but tested my growing faith in the Lord. Mental health is a popular topic that I don't always feel inclined to talk about- mainly because I'm not great at understanding it.  My body felt incredibly weak for those short couple of ...

My heart stings more and more each time my husband receives a call to go to another Covid-19 cleaning job.  We live in one of the higher risk areas and that worry of him contracting something and bringing it home is a daily dose of anxiety within itself.  Like for many other people, this has become our new reality and for myself, has me exercising the authenticity of my faith in Jesus more than ever. All of our situations are different right now; some of you are employed but are still required to go out and risk contracting the virus while some of you are unemployed but are safe at home.  Some of you are blessed to work from home but have loved ones that are at high risk across the country.  Some of you suffer from a mental illness that makes this situation heavier on your mental health while others have physical ailments that puts you at risk even more. We're living in a really dark time right now and it's scary.  Although we can find a list of positives fr...

In as little as a few weeks, the entire world fell ill. ~ The person compulsively posting divided opinions on Facebook. The person fed up with Facebook strife. The teenagers walking down the street in a group greater than ten. The man approaching them, infuriated, holding a knife.  The single mom worried about making ends meet. The single mom's child oblivious to her mother's sense of defeat. The grocery store clerk wishing they didn't have to go into work today. The clothing store retail worker wishing they had work and guaranteed pay.  Those health care providers risking their lives to save your loved ones. Someone you love that was with you one minute, is now gone. I think all of us are confused, bored, maybe nervous for the unknown.  Humanity thrives on the idea of having power and control over our own lives.  For the first time for many of us, this virus introduced the depth of our human-vulnerability.  You hear conspiracy theorist...

Bruised heart, Blistered hands, Heavy weight, Thinning strands. Worry, Anxiety Never ends Car so stubborn  refuse to start cliche  Monday  “Your cup is overflowing” Car is idle, continuously rattling twist the key repetitive doubt decreasing faith crying out "why God- of all the days" dehydrated bank account Where do I look? from bad to worse “Look up” Swollen gray sky Tears slither down Hugs exchanged With a curse word or two maybe three, definitely more There is no shame  life hits hard An unprepared weight  No man can carry  Why bother trying? you’ll just lose faith but tell yourself it’ll be okay, “Why so little faith?” “I said it’ll be okay” I mindlessly rummage through the wrinkly clean laundry, sloppily folding them, and toss them on the mysteriously sticky stained coffee table.  I scatter over to the dishwasher. Steam pollutes the air; kissing my cheeks as I begin t...