Bruised heart,
Blistered hands,
Heavy weight,
Thinning strands.
Worry, Anxiety
Never ends
Car so stubborn
refuse to start
cliche
Monday
“Your cup is overflowing”
Car is idle,
continuously rattling
twist the key
repetitive doubt
decreasing faith
crying out
"why God- of all the days"
dehydrated bank account
Where do I look?
from bad to worse
“Look up”
Swollen gray sky
Tears slither down
Hugs exchanged
With a curse word or two
maybe three,
definitely more
There is no shame
life hits hard
An unprepared weight
No man can carry
Why bother trying?
you’ll just lose faith
but tell yourself
it’ll be okay,
“Why so little faith?”
“I said it’ll be okay”
I mindlessly rummage through the wrinkly clean laundry, sloppily folding them, and toss them on the mysteriously sticky stained coffee table. I scatter over to the dishwasher. Steam pollutes the air; kissing my cheeks as I begin to rummage through the freshly washed dishes. In the middle of the dishes, crumbs sitting on the counter catch my attention. I immediately transition from dishes to crumbs without batting an eye. The nasally pine scented spray darts at the crumbs. It’s so pungent that my head begins to ache. My head always aches, but now it has a “valid” excuse. “It’s just the chemicals,” I tell myself.
In the middle of my spontaneous cleaning episode, I was kindly interrupted as my nephew randomly approached me with an open book in hand. “Jesus died, Grandma,” he says in his sweet yet absent minded voice.
“That's true, but he also came back to life. He’s God and can do that,” I reply. I continue scrubbing now at the dusty living room shelf. He’s still standing there holding his book. I notice that this book is his children’s bible and it’s opened to a beautiful illustration of Jesus. I look a little closer and come to realize that it’s opened to the story of Jesus on the boat calming down the waves after His disciples come to Him trembling in fear over the storm (Matthew 8:23-27). Jensen offers a smile and I pause what I’m doing and hug him.
After a couple moments, he’s standing by the door frame and then randomly tells me, “God told me that He misses you.”
The interesting part of this story is that Jensen opened this book randomly. He doesn’t know this story yet and like many kindergartners, isn’t big on utilizing the table of contents. For a moment this morning, my husband and I were sitting in my cold car, discouraged, empty, and broken. We questioned, we cried, we cursed, we hugged, we prayed, and we carried on our days- late to work, scratchy throats and all.
I am not one for pity. I don’t believe everyone needs to know about every detail of our life. But the truth is life gets hard and I believe it’s on purpose and that is when it is appropriate to share.
We are broke, we are barely getting by, we are exhausted and stressed out, and it is that “if it’s not one thing it’s another” type of season; and we hate it. But after that short and sweet moment during my manic cleaning episode, I am reminded that God is still with us and is still very much for us. He died on the cross and rose again so that we wouldn't believe the lie that this life is one big jinx.
Maybe you’re walking through a season that makes you feel like a joke- that makes you question the purpose and validity of your life. The “what’s the point in trying?” mentality. Screw that lie because strength is built by pushing through and continuously trying. I know it's hard.
Quite frankly, life is inevitably unfair. God never said it wouldn't be. Contrary, He actually said when you are poor, you are blessed. When you are mourning, you are blessed. When you are persecuted, you are blessed. When you are merciful and pursue peace, you are blessed. (Matthew 5:3-12)
Don't roll with the dice life gave you, rather pursue the mentality that will undoubtedly build you up-the mentality of the Lord. It is easier stay sad and discouraged. And depression is so hard. Prayerfully training your mentality and perspective feels so foreign, as well. But the result is so much sweeter. A difficult life following the Lord is better than any comfortable life you can imagine. In the end, it will always be worth it. I'll be okay. And I promise you'll be okay.
It will all be okay.
It will all be okay.
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