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Forgiving yourself in the calm after the storm


I had an anxiety attack today.  But you wouldn't be able to tell because of my happy-go-lucky smile in this selfie!  This photo was taken earlier when I felt as though I had a lovely start to my day: I got to take a walk and drink a coffee with my mama, the weather was sunny and warm, and I felt the fuel in my heart after reading some awesome Bible scriptures.  My spirit was light and I was walking to a rhythm of contentment.


When you're in the peak of an anxiety attack, it feels almost impossible to maintain self control.  This looks different for everyone, but usually it falls in some category of impulsive behavior derived from an explosion of emotions.  You may say ugly things, hyperventilate, shake back and forth aggressively, cry hysterically, and sometimes feel the tug to be physical.  These behaviors come and go; they are very brief.  Like any untamed situation, it has a peak then it quickly passes.

When it passes, you are left feeling quite defeated.  As you reflect on what just happened, these thoughts begin to creep into your mind: See?  You're crazy.  You're a lost cause.  God can never forgive you.  I mean, look at what you just did.  You are so unworthy.  Why bother trying?  Just go home.

 I won't get into the specifics on how my attack went down, but just know it was not good.  And it happened right in front of my husband.  When it ended, I was overcome with guilt and shame.  Those hypothetical thoughts written above were the first things that popped into my mind.  We were on our way to the lake to go for a canoe ride to watch the sunset and this episode happened in the car on the way.

"The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again.  But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." Proverbs 24:16

I have a track record in being unkind to myself when I slip up.  It is an ugly reminder of an untamed reflection on my daily struggles.  Usually when stuff like this happens, I gravitate towards isolation.  I feel too ashamed to accept forgiveness if I expressed a sharp tongue to the people I love.  I feel the "why bother trying?" comment overwhelm my spirit and I want to give up.  Have you ever felt that way?

The temptation to demand we turn around to go home and skip out on the lake was present, but I felt that burden of my guilt feel light.  My husband expressed God's heart at a time where I needed it the most.  Friends, God's speciality is turning evil and ugly things around for good, (Romans 8:28).  If God were into religious practices, He'd be quite upset with us whenever we fall short.  But the Bible shows us that God's heart is deeper than that.  It shows us that His grace is sufficient for us- His grace is enough, (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Notice how my temptation when I am overcome with guilt is to go home and be alone?  The enemy wants to keep us in that rut so that we can't get back up like the Bible tells us to.  God is quick to forgive us, so why are we not quick to forgive ourselves?  There is so much hate exchanged in the world already, let's not waste a breath to be hateful towards ourselves when we mess up. 

His grace will help you forgive yourself quicker. 


"So do you still wanna go to the lake?"
I pause with dried tears crusted on my cheeks and nod my head. "Yes."

Long story short, this evening turned out to be a bigger blessing than we anticipated.  We ate pizza and cannolis, we were filled with words that spoke life into us, and every moment that occured was divine intervention not only for us but for the friends God placed in our path.

After sharing my story about my struggle with severe anxiety, I was asked a very sincere and curious question: "So tell me, how did you get through the anxiety?  It is so prevalent with so many people with everything going on.  How did you get through it?" 

If only they saw me a few hours prior they wouldn't be thinking I overcame it because that simply isn't true.  It isn't something that I "overcame" once and never struggled with again.  It's a daily struggle that I am learning to navigate through the guidance of the Lord.

The Bible tells us God's mercies are new every morning, (Lamentations 3:23).  It also states how His cup is overflowing with His grace and love!  God will overcome every obstacle, but that doesn't exempt us from walking through really difficult times.  Just like how following Jesus is a choice we make everyday, His love, forgiveness, and mercies are accompanied.

Friends, you are not lacking faith when anxiety creeps up out of nowhere.  You are not damned because you fell short that one time.  Anxiety makes you feel like you are bound by shackles but little did you know those shackles are broken.  Life will hit you.  Hard.  But don't get comfortable in the low areas when the Bible is telling you to get back up.

Next time you feel like you just simply can't get back up, visualize Jesus extending His hand to you- just like He did with Peter when he thought he was dying in the waves, (Matthew 14.)  Anxiety is persuasive and your thoughts can accuse you of a multitude of lies.  You feel distressed, but you are okay.  You feel unworthy, but through Jesus you are royalty.  You want to be isolated, but follow through with your plan anyway.

God doesn't look at your behavior, He looks at your heart.  So don't worry about changing your behavior before your heart.  Allow Him to change your heart because the action will organically follow.  Everything we do in this life is one big journey, but I promise it's a journey worth taking with Jesus on your side!




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