My Open Diary

Anxiety is very persuasive.  It started with a low grade fever.  "99.5," the thermometer read.  Before I knew it, my body was overcome with chills with an indescribable sense of exhaustion.  Fear was rooted. Another day passes and I'm coughing up phlegm that is rudely accompanied with tightness in my chest, neck, and back.  "It's probably just allergies," I solemnly convinced myself.  Fear was sprouting. After going back and forth with these suspicious symptoms, I eventually decided to call my doctor.  After twenty minutes of assessing my symptoms with acknowledgment of my asthma history, he ordered me a test to take at the hospital.  Waiting for those test results revealed not only my lack of mental stability but tested my growing faith in the Lord. Mental health is a popular topic that I don't always feel inclined to talk about- mainly because I'm not great at understanding it.  My body felt incredibly weak for those short couple of ...

My heart stings more and more each time my husband receives a call to go to another Covid-19 cleaning job.  We live in one of the higher risk areas and that worry of him contracting something and bringing it home is a daily dose of anxiety within itself.  Like for many other people, this has become our new reality and for myself, has me exercising the authenticity of my faith in Jesus more than ever. All of our situations are different right now; some of you are employed but are still required to go out and risk contracting the virus while some of you are unemployed but are safe at home.  Some of you are blessed to work from home but have loved ones that are at high risk across the country.  Some of you suffer from a mental illness that makes this situation heavier on your mental health while others have physical ailments that puts you at risk even more. We're living in a really dark time right now and it's scary.  Although we can find a list of positives fr...

In as little as a few weeks, the entire world fell ill. ~ The person compulsively posting divided opinions on Facebook. The person fed up with Facebook strife. The teenagers walking down the street in a group greater than ten. The man approaching them, infuriated, holding a knife.  The single mom worried about making ends meet. The single mom's child oblivious to her mother's sense of defeat. The grocery store clerk wishing they didn't have to go into work today. The clothing store retail worker wishing they had work and guaranteed pay.  Those health care providers risking their lives to save your loved ones. Someone you love that was with you one minute, is now gone. I think all of us are confused, bored, maybe nervous for the unknown.  Humanity thrives on the idea of having power and control over our own lives.  For the first time for many of us, this virus introduced the depth of our human-vulnerability.  You hear conspiracy theorist...

Bruised heart, Blistered hands, Heavy weight, Thinning strands. Worry, Anxiety Never ends Car so stubborn  refuse to start cliche  Monday  “Your cup is overflowing” Car is idle, continuously rattling twist the key repetitive doubt decreasing faith crying out "why God- of all the days" dehydrated bank account Where do I look? from bad to worse “Look up” Swollen gray sky Tears slither down Hugs exchanged With a curse word or two maybe three, definitely more There is no shame  life hits hard An unprepared weight  No man can carry  Why bother trying? you’ll just lose faith but tell yourself it’ll be okay, “Why so little faith?” “I said it’ll be okay” I mindlessly rummage through the wrinkly clean laundry, sloppily folding them, and toss them on the mysteriously sticky stained coffee table.  I scatter over to the dishwasher. Steam pollutes the air; kissing my cheeks as I begin t...

So if you don't already know, I got a haircut a few days ago!  And I'm not talking about a quarter of an inch trim, I mean I got it  cut ; resting right above my shoulders.  This was monumental for a girl like me because I am so stubborn when it comes to my hair.  Like most of us, I want it to look a particular way and I desire it to be as long as Rapunzel's mane. My problem?  My hair never had a chance to get long.   Why?  Because I have been petrified to get a real haircut since my junior year of high school.  Oh, did I mention that I'm currently in my fourth year of college?  Ouch. The funny part in this entire hairy debacle was that if you saw how long my hair was prior- it wasn't long.  In fact, it just barely hit below my shoulders.  I've had my hair at that length since I was at least 16 years old.  I'm currently 21.  Again, ouch.   My hair got to the point where the ends were so high up ...

When I was in kindergarten, I was petrified of lightning and thunder.  One summer day when my parents were out and my sister was babysitting me, a huge thunderstorm rolled in.  After witnessing that bright flash followed by that violent crash of thunder, I ran.  I zipped right out my front door; barefoot, crying, and screaming as the thunder relentlessly pounded the sky.  I ended up in my neighbor's front door, pleading to stay with them until the storm passed.  Fast forward to my junior year of high school: I was home alone one February night babysitting my nephew who was around 5 months at the time.  I was in the middle of feeding him his dinner when I noticed an unfamiliar light glaring through my window.  I peaked out the window and noticed a suspiciously idle truck halfway up my driveway.  My 16 year old brain immediately flashed back to my 6 year old brain of irrational panic; without sparing another moment in that living room, I...

So with spring being right around the corner (7 days to the exact), one would expect the sunshine to be here; greeting us with flowers blooming while simultaneously waving goodbye to the melting snow.  Well, here in good ole' New England is the polar opposite; from an intense blizzard dumping a solid 2 feet of snow, to a flurry leaving another 3 inches, to the weatherman predicting another snowstorm... all in the time span of only one week. I guess it's safe to say that spring may have to hit a couple pit stops before settling in for the season. A popular opinion that I've been hearing a lot is how Mr. Winter has overstayed his welcome; a very valid opinion to say the least.  I mean I get it, after counting down the days until spring, then being hit with a plethora of snow right before, it's easy to feel disappointed, anxious, and impatient.  The season that your eyes have been fixated on for so long and the growing anticipation; all to be brought down in a disgusti...